DeAnna was excited to embark on the creative journey of writing poetry in response to Dr. Ofer Zur's biography highlights.
‘Womb Visionary’ DeAnna Lam helps women love & accept themselves unconditionally. Her original work is focused on helping women tap into their womb as source of spiritual renewal & guidance, moving from self judgment to self acceptance.
A pioneer in Menstrual Empowerment, DeAnna has been teaching internationally since 1993. Working on the leading edge of the Red Tent Movement, she has trained women to hold Red Tents in over 30 countries.
DeAnna brought Menstrual Empowerment to her country of origin, Israel, helping Jewish and Palestinian women surpass political and religious differences by deeply bonding around their shared Cyclical nature.
Find out more about her work here: www.deannalam.com.
Table of Contents
Shifting from Oceanography to Limnology by the Sea of Galilee
After my time in Europe I returned to Israel, this time as a limnologist and found an interesting job at a fresh water fish pond research lab located on the shore of the Sea of Galilee, not far from where Jesus walked on water and ‘healed’ Mary Magdalene. It was a scientifically stimulating and inspiring locale in which to work. My main scientific work was to explore some aquaculture ‘myths’ or commonly held beliefs among the fish farmers in Israel regarding the nutrition cycle in the fish ponds. (See scholarly articles.) Exploring commonly held beliefs was a theme that I grew up with and carried with me throughout my life, whether I was researching fish, war and peace, men and women, or ethics in psychology.
Returning to the waters
The source of life
From wars of the land
From rights and wrongs
From eating and being eaten
By truths and lies…
Only in the depth,
Only under the waves
There is stillness
Jesus, Magdalena, Jean and… the Thermometer
It was 1978 and I was conducting fish pond research at a lab by the Sea of Galilee. The lab was situated in a uniquely historical and spiritually potent locale. Just a quarter mile to the south was a monument marking the sacred place where Jesus healed Magdalena and Magdalena, according to some, graciously reciprocated and, in her own ‘Magdalena way,’ ‘healed’ Jesus. A quarter mile to the north was the location where Jesus walked on the water and miraculously multiplied two fish and five loaves of barley bread into enough to satisfy 5,000 people with twelve baskets remaining. This is when I met a bright and creative woman, Jean, in Jerusalem and we embarked on a few months of intense, creative and often hilariously creative letter writing (it was 1978, before e-mails and texts). After a few months Jean moved in with me in the gorgeous historic village of Rosh Pina. I was still magically and mysteriously drawn to East Africa. I knew that when I could no longer run my fish pond experiments in the winter when the water temperature in the experimental ponds would dip below 70°F, I would be heading back to East Africa for the summer there. Creative Jean, who could write a good story of any interesting life event, made a habit of coming down to my experimental ponds with a thermometer in hand every few days, precisely and systematically detecting how many degrees were left for our relationships. She regularly announced, in a sad yet sweetly accepting or even romantic tone, “I have 2 degrees left before my relationship with Ofer is over” or “My love with Ofer has barely half a degree left.”
The miracle of bread and wine
Walks on the magic waters
of loving her
As she counts and recounts
Her love
In degrees of separation
From Fish to People: On Mothers, Women &… War
At 29 years old, I moved to the US to do my M.A. in counseling at Lesley College in Cambridge, Massachusetts, ‘slightly’ shifting my career interests and path from fish and oceanography to psychology, psychotherapy and counseling. Within psychology I was interested in learning about the healing process for individuals, couples, families, communities and cultures. Initially I was intrigued by the psychology of peace and violence on all levels from the individual to the cultural. I was interested in the roots of war and the prerequisites of peace and explored a variety of theories on these topics. I was especially intrigued with how men and women co-participated in the making of war, or what I called “The role of women in the making of war”, and similarly how parents and their young adult children co-created war systems. (Later, I expanded these interests into thinking about the tensions between life, love, and mortality.)
The deep watery realms of the soul
Where fish become emotions
Where riffs become rifts
Where women’s love shifts
By the seduction of war
Understanding Peace in the Shadow of War: The Roots of Enmity
From 1984 to 1991, alongside my friend and colleague, philosopher-author Sam Keen, I devoted my professional life to promoting peace by deepening the public understanding of the complex psychology of peace and war, as well as the roots of enmity. During these final and challenging years of the Cold War, I gave dozens of presentations and media appearances across the US on such subjects as: Gender and War, The Psychology of Peace and War, Understanding the Light of Peace in the Shadow of War, and Psychology of the Nuclear Age.
Following light
Leads to the mystery of shadows
Where wars lurk
Where fear thrives
Where light of consciousness
Reveals them
Presenting in Moscow on War Propaganda
In 1987, I was honored to be invited with my friend and colleague, Sam Keen, to Moscow, Russia for a symposium on “Soviet-American Images: A New Perspective,” organized by the Soviet Peace Committee and the Center for Soviet-American Dialogue. Our guest appearances included working sessions with scientists from the USSR Academy of Science. These were exciting times in Russia – the early years of Perestroika and Mikhail Gorbachev’s political reforms. An interesting part of the trip was Kris Kristofferson and his crew was part of our group, where he performed the first rock concert in the history of Russia.
A new perspective
Rising from ashes of the old
The war, always cold,
Changed, transformed
The Delight of Becoming Step-Father and Father
With my first marriage in 1981, I became a step-parent to my step-children, Suzannah and Jeremy. Soon after (1983), our daughter, Azzia, was born which marked one of my most profound inner shifts; my sense of self was expanded and, obviously, my sense of responsibility for my daughter’s and step-children’s growth and well-being.
Like an arrow into the future
My children are sent
My wings are spread
My heart is set
To protect them
Wind-Surfing in the Yucatan Peninsula, Mexico
I met my first wife in orientation to our doctorate program in psychology. We spent our honeymoon in the Yucatan Peninsula, Mexico, where I learned wind-surfing. We also visited the lovely island of Isla Mujeres, fascinating ancient sites in Talum, touristic Cancun Island, and Cozumel.
Discovering
The Island of Women
Where one woman and I
Belonged
To the wind
“If You Kill Yourself, I Will Kill You!”
During graduate school, I worked as a forensic psychologist in one of the most dangerous county jails in the country. It was crowded, noisy and short-staffed. Often, I had to make suicide assessments in only 1 minute through a jail-cell door’s pothole. Putting an inmate on suicide watch was not a decision I made lightly because it meant that the prisoner would be checked upon (and if asleep, woken up) about every 15-30 minutes. This level of sleep interruption can cause someone to become suicidal, even if he/she had not been suicidal prior to being placed on the suicide watch list.
After I realized that I didn’t have 30 minutes to conduct a thorough suicide assessment, nor could I sit with them face to face in a private office, I developed a 20-30 second interview to determine whether an inmate should be placed on suicide watch. This included 3 questions: 1. What is your name? 2. Why are you in jail? and 3. Are you suicidal? If the person clearly stated they were suicidal I placed them on suicide watch.
However, if the person stated that he/she was not suicidal, but I doubted whether they were coherent, oriented, or truthful, I would say, “I will not put you on suicide watch, but if you kill yourself, I will kill you!” I would then wait to observe their response. If they realized how crazy the statement was and told their roommate something like “The doctor is crazy,” I was more likely not to put them on suicide watch. However, if they responded back to me with “Doctor, you cannot do that to me,” I knew that their judgment was probably impaired and I placed them on suicide watch.
Looking into your eyes
I seek your soul
Beyond words and lies
I find you…
Marrying Azzia’s Ballet Teacher and Being Blessed w/ 2 Boys
In 1988, I was single again and moved to the beautiful town of Sonoma, CA where Azzia went to school and rode her horses. These were special years where Sam Keen, who had moved to Sonoma a year earlier, worked with me on men’s themes and peace and war issues. Even more special was that, at Azzia’s ‘insistence’ :-), I started dating her ballet teacher, Jennifer, and later, in 1992, I married her. We had two boys, Eitan, born in 1992, and Ilan, born in 1995, and are still married, all these 30+ years later.
It was my daughter
Who led me to my heart
From the very start,
And into my future
On Being a ‘Barn-Mother’: Azzia and Her Love of Horses
Azzia, my first born (1983), besides her love of reading and ballet, enjoyed and became skillful in horseback riding and jumping. Later, she graduated from UC Berkeley in philosophy, became an excellent writer and editor, and has established herself in many ways, including as a Sensei, in an Aikido dojo in Berkeley, CA.
Riding the wind
My daughter jumps over hoops
Dances loops,
Fulfills her destiny
Re-Thinking “Don’t Blame the Victim”
In the mid 1990’s, I took on debunking the myth that all victims are always innocent and invited people to re-think the then prevalent belief in the dictum, “Don’t Blame the Victim.” While some victims are truly innocent (e.g., abused children) others thrive on being victims. The victim’s stance is a powerful one and was erroneously framed as: The victim is always morally right, neither responsible nor accountable, and forever entitled to sympathy. That perception has since changed to some degree, I am pleased to say.
The heart that goes out
To the victim
Is the heart that extends its sight
To see the victim as a powerful creator:
Both hurt
And with might
Debunking Myth: Dual Relationships are Unethical
In the mid 1990s, I stepped into the ring to dispute the whole notion of the so-called depravity and danger of dual relationships in psychotherapy and counseling and, through my writing and teaching, emphasized the importance of healthy connections and community. In 2002, I co-authored, with Dr. Arnold A. Lazurus, a break-through book, Dual Relationships and Psychotherapy, on the eponymous subject.
The health of one heart
Connected to another
Is an indisputable core
As we gather
Strength in community
APA DID Publish my Boundaries Book
In 2007, the American Psychological Association published my book on Boundaries in Psychotherapy which invites therapists to be more flexible in regard to issues, such as touch, multiple relationships, gifts, home visit, bartering, and self disclosure. This also signified that psychology, as a result of the relentless work of a few colleagues and myself, now embraces a more flexible and context-based view of therapeutic boundaries.
And where does flexibility go
When we flex our muscles
To forbid the flow
Of connection?
Risk of Risk Management — Re-Thinking Care
So-called risk management ‘experts’ have in effect hijacked parts of the fields of general medicine, including mental health, by inducing exaggerated fears of lawsuit. Some of risk management’s standard, yet unfounded, instructions in psychotherapy have been: Never touch a client, don’t self-disclose, don’t leave the office with a client, and don’t engage in any form of dual relationship. These overly cautious ‘defensive medicine’ practices, often perpetuated by purported risk management experts and attorneys, can actually hurt clients, as they in effect deny them adequate focus on effective patient care. In my article on the Risk of Risk Management I document how, even though the healing benefits of touch, therapist self-disclosure, or meeting clients where they feel most comfortable or safe have been scientifically documented in the last 50+ years, many poorly trained and frightened psychotherapists regularly avoid doing what is therapeutically right and helpful out of regulatory fear.
One of my clients was a gentle, pleasant older man in his 50’s, suffering from paranoid schizophrenia, with whom I worked in the East Coast. As part of therapy, I was continually in touch with his parents, his three children and sisters, as well as his landlord, employer, psychiatrist, and everyone else involved in his life. He happened to be a Starsky and Hutch TV show ‘junky’ who closely identify with the show and even drove a car that mimicked the signature car of the show. My curly dark hair reminded him of Starsky—in fact, at times, he confused me with the character. So it came to be that his car was the ‘office space’ where we met for most of our weekly therapy sessions. He never liked my office—being there made him nervous, frightened, paranoid and withdrawn—but he felt relaxed, engaged, and receptive while tooling around town with me in his signature car. As we cruised, like in the TV series we checked out the hotspots, all the while talking about the client’s relationships, dreams, fears, and work. He felt safe going into the stores to do basic shopping, knowing that Starsky was ‘backing him up’ from the car. As I described in my Ethical Eye article, several ethicists and attorneys warned me of the dangers of leaving the office or being involved in what they labeled as a dual relationship. After consulting with several ‘true’ experts, I decided to continue my approach to therapy with this client, for the simple reason that it was effective. At all times I reminded myself that I was being paid to help him, not to practice defensive medicine.
And then there is fear…
Don’t get near
Don’t touch
Often means don’t hear
The boundaries are made clear
Yet I am here
for you…
Out-of-office Experiences (aka OOE)
As previously discussed, the adoption of rigid risk management practices has taken a serious toll on client care in the medical field in general as well as on mental health services. In the following I want to hone further in on the ill-advised rule ‘never leave the office with a client.’ This rather irrational ‘one size fits all’ dictum bears the consequence that mental health services are denied to the agoraphobic, the paranoid, and the millions of home-bound patients. It equally interferes with treatment for ‘side-by-side’ (rather than face-to-face) oriented clients who could benefit from a walk on a local trail rather than the standard face-to-face mode in the office. Equally, it denies services to disorganized, homeless, or poor clients who are not capable of finding their way to a therapist’s office.
I have incorporated Out-of-Office Experiences (aka OOE) into my therapeutic practice by making perfectly legitimate, clinically sound visits to home-bound or hospitalized patients, as well as conducting sessions with the mentally ill homeless at street corners. I met with one highly distrustful and resistant adolescent client on the basketball court after he refused to show up at the office. My approach—meeting him, a dedicated athlete, on his turf—provided a good context for connection, particularly since this was also my game! With this tactic I succeeded in gaining my client’s trust and, most importantly, engaging him in psychotherapy (albeit somewhat unorthodox!). An older, rather depressed and isolated old lady with three beloved dogs, from whom she would not separate, refused to come to my office due to her dogs, but agreed to a walk-and-talk session on a nearby trail. She was also a ‘side by side’ kind of a woman.
Other legitimate contexts for disregarding risk management’s arbitrary injunctions against interaction outside the office include: engaging in adventure/outdoor therapy; going on a therapeutically initiated tour with an architect client to her newly designed house pursuant to the therapist’s helping her find her ‘voice’ via architecture; attending the funeral of a client at the request of the spouse whom the therapist has seen in couples therapy intermittently for 20 years; or attending a theatrical performance of a young client whom the therapist has successfully helped to overcome shyness and stage fright.
Let us be in the air
Let us exit the walls of rules
Let us actually share
A true moment with each other
Ahead of game: Taming the Roaring HIPAA
In 2003, a new federal privacy regulation called HIPAA (Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act) took effect. In an attempt to help psychotherapists make sense of the complex and often confusing regulations, I wrote my third book, The HIPAA Compliance Kit distributed by Norton Publishing. It was significantly revised several times over the years to keep up with the ongoing changes of the Security Rule, new telemental health technologies and practices and much more…
It says: Stop
And when it roars
We often drop
Our compassion
Only to comply with the rules…
Teaching Therapists to Work Outside Managed Care
In the mid 1990’s I completed the first of many editions of The Complete Fee-for-Service Private Practice Handbook. This handbook encouraged and guided psychotherapists how practice creatively, ethically, and heartily without relying on the mostly financially-profit focused managed care and insurance companies and without being blindly wedded to the pharmacological companies controlled DSM or to risk-management ideologies. Following these principles have been a major focus of my contribution to the field of psychology and mental health services since the mid 1990’s.
Don’t let your wings be clipped
Don’t let yourself be whipped
Into shape
Your heart is there
For a reason…
Buying into my own Bullshit about “A Glamorous Place to Die”
As Eitan and I were training for the Kilimanjaro climb, many friends and acquaintances confronted me. They wanted to know why at the age of 57, after having suffered a major cardiac arrest, I was so keen on risking my life with this climb of Mt. Kilimanjaro alongside my 14-year-old son. After growing tired of the questioning, and what felt like narrow-mindedness, lack of imagination, and subtle guilt-inducing harassment, I started responding with, “You are absolutely right. I may die on the mountain! However, can you think of a better place to die than on top of the highest, most gorgeous, stand-alone mountain in the world?”
When people continued to challenge me about having my 14-year-old son with me on this venture, supposedly risking my life, I came up with this response, which I told the ‘concerned/questioning ones’: “If I am to ‘glamorously’ die on top of spectacular Kilimanjaro, I will be cremated there, and my ashes will be placed in a Tanzanian ebony box. Eitan will bring me down the mountain and back home in this beautiful small carved memento.” This ebony box story was repeated whenever I was confronted or accused of being irresponsible by friends, colleagues, and guest at dinner tables. While Eitan did not seem to be flabbergasted, distressed or upset by this story, many other people did.
The final twist to this story came at 18,000 feet, where I became disoriented and suddenly unable to breath and experiencing severe heart pains. This was a clear sign of (another) potential heart failure. Instead of asking Eitan who, according to plan had carried my nitro (Nitroglycerin), to stay nearby and be ready to hand it to me, I found myself believing my absurd story and (yes, sincerely) telling myself “There is no better place to die…” Miraculously, I survived, in spite of myself.
There is no better place to die
But why
Not enjoy the scenery
And the bond with my son
As long as I’m not done
Living
On Digital Natives & Digital Immigrants
In the new millennium, it became increasingly evident that technology, in its many forms, was shaking and reshaping the world. The implications for professionals in psychology and allied professions were emerging and I had become increasingly aware of how the digital-technical divide between the older, pre-computer generation of “Digital Immigrants” and the younger generation of “Digital Natives” would impact us. My digital native daughter, Azzia Walker, and I co-authored an article and a PowerPoint presentation on the subject.
We were born into different worlds
Those in the front, and those in the rear:
You, who find digital reality clear,
and us… often consumed by fear
Jungle Trekking in the Remote Tropical Forest in Malaysia
When I was invited to speak on the Digital Divide in Singapore in 2009, as usual, I looked around for possible local adventures in that part of the world and decided to do some jungle trekking in the tropical forests of Malaysia. Endless drenching by the monsoons in a remote jungle area gave me a new sense of what rain can be. Despite my efforts, the leeches were undeterred. The main reason for my trip to Malaysia was to walk the stunning longest suspension bridge in the world in the Titiwangsa Mountains. However walking on this amazing bridge was not possible, at that time, because the bridge was closed due to the monsoons.
The bridge between the forest
And the digital field
Is almost impossible to cross
When the monsoons of our minds
Obscure the way
I WAS Heard – Was nominated APA Fellow
In 2009, I was nominated as an American Psychological Association (APA) Fellow (Div. 42) in recognition of my contribution to the field. This award marked the arrival of much-needed changes in professional ethics from rigid and fear-based to more humane and care-based. Besides my private psychotherapy practice and teaching on ethics and other topics, I have been consulting with therapists and have been retained as forensic expert (expert witness) where I could combine my knowledge and expertise on ethics and standard of care issues with my sense of fairness and justice.
The times change
When ethics are put front and center Enter
The field once governed by fear
To become a soothing blanket of humanity
Rewarding 4 years of Assistant Coaching Ilan in High School
Life in Sebastopol has been quite wonderful. The culture, community, arts, and the politics have been a good match for us. The boys enjoyed their Waldorf school, although Eitan jumped ship to our local high school in his junior year. Ilan, however, continued at Summerfield, playing and starring on their basketball team for all 4 years. I had the honor to be the assistant coach for the basketball team during that period.
To serve my boys
As they shoot hoops
As they shoot hopes
Helping them navigate the ropes
Of adulthood
Zur Institute Reaches 180 (!) Online Courses
By 2014, our Zur Institute online continuing education program had expanded to include 180 Online Continuing Education Courses. Every year, thousands of psychotherapists, counselors, MFTs, nurses, and lay people have been benefiting from our innovative and unique offerings.
Because we don’t stop learning
Till we die
Because it’s a high-
Time for growing
While we continually fly
Over fields of innovation
Studying the Impact of Technology on Culture & People
Modern Internet technologies and social media have drawn me to explore the boundaries involved in “digital ethics,” which include issues of online searches, e-mail in therapy, telemental health, and clients as Facebook friends.
Where do I end
And you begin
When we surf the same digital wave
When we bend
With the wind?
Riding to Freedom on my new Retro Triumph Bonneville
Turning 60, and now living closer to the Pacific Ocean, I purchased a 2007 classic-looking Triumph Bonneville motorcycle (850 cc) that I could ride along the ocean and also teach my boys (15 and 18) the love of motorcycles as my dad did with me.
Like your grandfather
I soar with you by ocean waves
Hoping your future kids
Recognize me, and my father
In the rushing winds
Teaching in Singapore on the Impact of Technology
Returning to teach in Singapore in 2010 gave me a chance to further explore this unique, tiny country, which focuses on a healthy balance between community and individual needs and rights. They also had just completed a 55 story man-made wonder called Marina Sands SkyPark.
The wonders of including
‘Me’ and ‘Us’
Stretches 55 stories into the sky
Revealing why
We have to dance in balance
Tracking Genghis Khan Footsteps & Walking the Great Wall of China
Being in this part of Asia, I also could not miss the opportunity to experience that wonder of the world (age 60), the Great Wall of China. (Reluctantly, I had to give up the idea of retracing the steps of Gengis Khan and his journey from Mongolia towards the Great Wall.) Stretching over 5,000 miles through treacherous terrain, this wall is undeniably the ultimate physical boundary.
Easily keeping armies apart
A 5000 miles of wall
Might fall
In the face of human connection
Visiting my Israeli Tribe as well as Athene and Crete
In the summer of 2011 my wife, Jennifer, all three children, and I embarked on a routine visit to Israel to my family’s kibbutz. It is a beautiful community, and home to my beloved sister and her family, which seems to give rise to new babies every year. My sister, Shlomit, is 4 years my senior and in contrast to my proclivity for adventure and mobility, she married her first love at 19 and has stayed in the kibbutz all her life as educator, writer, wife, mother, and now grandmother of 10 grandchildren.
We grew up under one roof
And we are proof
Of how each heart’s call
Makes all
The difference
Athene is Delightful & Vibrant Like Tel-Aviv at Night
The second part of the vacation was, as my children noted, about “old rocks.” On the return trip we visited Greece, visiting the Acropolis in Athens and remote palaces and caves on the island of Crete. Happily for them, Athens at night is as vibrant and full of young people as Tel-Aviv.
Our soul
Old as the rocks
Still dances freely at night
Flocks
To ancient and new rhythms
Ilan (6yo) Shooting 3’s Beyond the Half-Court Line
Ilan was 6 years old when he joined a local basketball league for young boys on a team that I led (kind of “coached”). The court was designed for young beginners and was only 42 ft. long. By comparison, standard college and NBA courts are 94 ft. long. One of the league’s rules was that teams were not allowed to defend the other team past half court. Young Ilan’s skills were unprecedented. He was able to shoot with high accuracy from the 21 ft. half court mark (a bit short of the modern 3-point line of 25 ft.). So, “according to plan” he shot the ball beyond the half court line where the opposing team was not allowed to defend or contest the shot, which led our team to endless victories and understandably infuriated both the parents of the opposing team and the league organizers 😋.
Flying a ball on wings of wind
My young son shines
Victory finds
A proud Dad
Among less than gracious parents
Eitan getting his permit Driver License
At age 15 ½ Eitan applied for a provisional drivers license in our state of California. This was the first step towards getting his license. His status was called “Provisional” which meant that he had to have an adult accompany him while he drove. Hearing about the endless arguments of friends with their children after they got the permit and constantly asked their parents to accompany them in driving around the clock, I decided to take a different tack. Eitan and I planned a trip from our home in Sonoma to Las Vegas to watch a fantastic circus show where he would drive the hundreds of miles, the WHOLE way to Las Vegas and back. The long trip was great driving experience for Eitan. A few days later, half way back home, Eitan, exhausted, stopped the car at the side of the road and announced that he had had enough driving. The plan worked out perfectly. For the next couple of years there were no arguments, begging or conflicts about driving. Eitan got it out of his system in the first week of his permit.
I decided to join him
Rather than fight
My first born
On his winding path of
Provisional independence
At 16 Ilan is the 2nd Top Scoring Junior in CA
Ilan (16) excelled on his Summerfield Waldorf High School basketbal team, which won the local Small League Championship. At that year, Ilan was the 2nd top scoring junior in California. It was fun serving as an assistant coach, applying my knowledge of and passion for basketball and psychology to coaching, and seeing Ilan’s success in his senior year.
Our passions meld
As your hand held
The ball
And my heart cheers
As you reach your goals
Sharing the Love of Motorcycles w/ Eitan & his 1,400cc Kawasaki
Eitan Zur (18) got himself a Kawasaki ZX-14 (1,400 CC), which barely fit in our garage but was fun to drive. I spent some of the summer of 2012 sharing the love of motorcycles and travel with him.
The wheels below us
Propel us like wings
On rough terrains
We glide
On desert winds
Azzia’s Marriage to Nick – A Fabulous Celebration
In July 2012, Azzia married her long time close friend, Nick Walker. Nick is the founder and senior instructor of Aikido Shusekai, an aikido dojo in Berkeley, CA, and has a 6th degree black belt in aikido. Nick holds a Ph.D. in Somatic Psychology from California Institute of Integral Studies and is also an author of two online courses for the Zur Institute.
That you found love
Is what makes my heart smile,
For all the degrees and accomplishments pale, while
You weave your lives together
Having All My (Grown Up) ‘Cubs’ Together at Azzia’s Wedding
Azzia’s wedding provided a wonderful chance for me to enjoy my children and step-children. From left to right: Eitan (19), Azzia (28), myself, Jeremey (39), Suzannah (37) and Ilan (17).
A papa bear’s heart
Almost bursts
As I gather you under my furry arms
To keep you like honey
Dripping from my palms
The Ultimate Challenge-Riding a Motorcycle by 4,000ft Drops
The enormity and grandeur of the Himalayas are incomparable and so are the centuries-old sacred Buddhist temples and monasteries we visited. Sometimes it felt like we were riding the clouds. The trip evoked in me such humility and helped me come to terms with physical and age-related limitations (age 62). Ultimately, once again, we looked death straight in the eyes (or at least around every blind corner). And, of course, it also intensified a special connection with my son. In contrast to my experience, Eitan found the trip joyous and quite easy.
I rode clouds with you
On soil as old as time
As sacred as your joy
My heart humbles
As I look death in the eye
With you by my side
Zur Institute Continues to Grow w/ Our Fabulous Team
In 2015, the Zur Institute celebrated 20 years of our website which we started in 1995. We truly were pioneers of the Internet. With the unequivocal support, competence, and dedication of my webmaster, Deborah Porter, and Operational Manager, Pamela Adler, the site has grown to 180 continuing education online courses. In addition to directing the Zur Institute, I have been writing books and articles, as well as teaching on variety of topics, such as boundaries, multiple relationships, TeleMental Health and much more. All of this is in addition to providing psychotherapy and serving as expert witness and forensic consultant.
I have come to rely on you
As we each play a role
Each giving of our essence
To the whole
Hearty & Caring Connection with My Family
I daily treasure and try to nourish my rich connections with my beloved wife, family, and friends. The interaction with my children is an ongoing delight, whether I am playing basketball with Ilan, biking and kayaking with Eitan, or writing with Azzia. Adventure, meditation, and community remain, as always, important to me and recently, I started writing short personal-philosophical essays for the public.
A thread connects me to each of you
And reaches out into the world
As we weave our family
Into the tapestry of community
Celebrating Quarter Century of Providing Psychotherapy
I have been practicing psychotherapy since 1988, for over a quarter of a century. I use traditional clinical orientations such as CBT, psychodynamic, humanistic, existential and other similarly well established clinical approaches. I have been privileged to work with, help and learn from individuals, couples and families who have been traumatized or struggled with existential or relational concerns, as well as those with a wide variety of diagnoses or difficulties in living, such as schizophrenic, borderline and suicidal patients. I have explored with my clients various ways to live safely and meaningfully, and how to love and connect well.
A mosaic of soulful connections
Has fed me all these years
Challenges, agony, joyful tears
An ever expanding picture
Of the human condition, here…
Educate the Profession About the Value of Flexible Boundaries
My clinical work has been enhanced by my education, as well as my various life experiences, whether living with the Masai in Kenya, mixing with the English in London or living among Israelis and Americans. Consistent with my beliefs as expressed in my writing, when clinically appropriate I have made home visits, attended the weddings of couple/clients, conducted therapy in nearby parks, appropriately self-disclosed, given supportive hugs when needed, and bartered with cash-poor, talented artist clients. I have learned from my patients, not only how to live with dignity, but also how to die with dignity. Living in a small town, I was inevitably, exposed to a wide range of unavoidable dual or multiple relationships.
In the multiple universes we each are
Transmitting and receiving
Being close and far
Offering each other the one thing that matters
Dignity of heart
Eitan’ Amazing Wide Range of Skills, Hobbies, and Mastery
I’ve written much about my children and my special relationship with them. My pride in them is deep and strong and I will share, here, a bit more of who, what, and where they are: At age 22 (2015), Eitan is finishing his senior year at SDSU, and preparing to embark on his career as a firefighter, EMT, and paramedic. He transferred from his first career as an aerial circus instructor and performer to public service during his junior year of college, and has been enjoying working as both an EMT on an ambulance and a firefighter with his department ever since. When he is not working, he enjoys riding his motorcycle, sailing, surfing, scuba diving, hiking, and has recently set his sights on attaining his solo skydiving license.
You keep surprising me, son
You’ve done
The impossible, in so many ways
The word Pride falls short
But it’s all I’ve got…
Ilan Got his 1st Bike & Recruited for College Basketball at UCSC
Ilan completed his first basketball season at UC Santa Cruz in June/2014 playing for the UCSC Slugs, where he, as a freshman at 6’5″, started 11 games and played an average of 23 minutes per game, scored an average 7.7 points per game and pulled down an average 4.5 rebounds per game. In his sophomore year at UCSC, Ilan (19) got his first bike, a Ninja 250, so he can get around Santa Cruz. He joined his grandfather, brother, and his father as a motorcycle rider. In 2015, starting his junior year, he upgraded to a Kawasaki-Ninja 650. Alongside intense basketball practices and motorcycle fun, he also maintains a 3.8 GPA and takes a serious interest in issues of justice and fairness. His academic double major is in environmental studies & sociology.
My head spins like a ball
As you sweep past
Achieving all
And going Beyond
The horizon…
Delightful Family Vacation in Hawaii
A family vacation in the Summer of 2014 took us to the Big Island in Hawaii. The powerful lava fields, the vast ocean, and the exquisite diving sites were all a great background to a delightful family vacation. We did some hiking, snorkeling with sea turtles on coral reefs, scuba diving with manta rays, ate well, relaxed, and hung out, as we got know this exotic paradise.
Where the ocean receives the fire
Our only desire
Is to be with one another
And drink each other’s presence
Teaching Ethics on a Cruise Ship
I took my first ever cruise in July 2014, where I was the teacher of a Continuing Education Ethics class, “Conducting Therapy in the Digital Age”, on a cruise from Seattle to Alaska. Teaching a large, lively class of 40 mental health professionals was intense and rewarding and being on a cruise ship was ‘anthropologically’ fascinating as I got to be a ‘participant- observer’ of cruise culture.
Around us only the sea
Vast and deep
It doesn’t care to see
The digital age
Only the connections
We forge
Ilan and his Love of Our Family Dogs
Dogs have always been part of our family. Here is Ilan (19) basking with the joy of snuggling with our beloved Tasha, the German Shepherd, and Moshi, the Australian Sheperd.
And they were there for you,
For each of us,
When we couldn’t be there for each other,
Our dogs are another
Part of ourselves
Ilan Got his Kawasaki-Ninja 650 Bike as he Started College
In his sophomore year at UCSC, Ilan (19) got his first bike, a Ninja 250, so he can get around Santa Cruz. He joined his grandfather, brother and his father as a motorcycle rider. In 2015, starting his junior year, he got himself a Kawasaki-Ninja 650. In 2018 Ilan started his 4 year challenging combined JD (law) and MA program in Public Policies in the prestige program in UCLA.
For 3 generations
The Ninjas are riding
Never hiding
From a challenge
Always daring
The lineage
Heart Continues to Tick: 2 more Stents for a Total of 3
In April, 2015 (65 years old) I suffered my second heart attack. Similar to the first, my a-symptomatic presentation was puzzling. Way into my heart attack, my EKG and heart enzymes were still ‘normal’. This time I ended up with two more stents, for a total of 3.
I do my part
Of daring the devil
And through the attacks
My heart
Keeps loving me
Teaching Ethics on a 8,000 (!) Passengers Cruise Ship
I taught my second 14 hour workshop on Ethics aboard the Royal Caribbean’s Allure of the Seas That same year, in December, I taught my second 14 hour workshop on Ethics, this time aboard the Royal Caribbean’s “Allure of the Seas” (2015), and this time in the Caribbean. It was a unique experience being among 8,000 (yes, 8,000!) passengers and crew and, like the last cruise, it was an anthropologically instructive experience.
The sea allured me
To the open air
To the ethics flair
To learning
From all I see
Polishing the Monument – My 4th Book on Duel Relationships
In 2015-2016, I edited and contributed to another book entitled Multiple Relationships in Psychotherapy and Counseling: Unavoidable, Common and Mandatory Dual Relations in Therapy, published by Routledge (2017). A colleague has labeled the book as “Polishing the Monument”, indicating that it finally puts to rest the erroneous idea that all dual relationships are unethical. It demonstrates that not only are some multiple relationships mandated, unavoidable, and common, but in fact some can be healthy and beneficial.
Like a diamond
Forming in the belly of the earth
This monument was polished
By love of life
Is it Ever Ethical for a Psychotherapist to be Naked with a Client: On Unavoidable Multiple Relationships
Moving to the small town of Sonoma, CA in the 1990’s was an eye-opening experience in regard to dual or multiple in a small community. Soon after I opened my private psychotherapy practice, I got a call from a couple who sought couple therapy. When I asked them how they got my name, the husband told me that he played basketball with the local old-men league and he liked the “ferocious” way I played. The wife added that she was on a field trip with our 1st grade daughters and witnessed me impressively helping a group of 1st grade girls negotiate a heated disagreement. As they shared their familiarity with me, I readily recalled my graduate school, ethics and risk management instructors warning us repeatedly that, in the words of K. P., one of the most renowned ethicist psychologist at the time “. . non-sexual dual relationships, while not unethical and harmful per se, foster sexual dual relationships.” When I inquired with top ethicists and risk management experts whether it is ethical or advised to see the couple in therapy, they unanimously warned me that dual relationships are unethical and likely to lead to sex. I wondered if they were concerned that I would have sex with the husband, the wife, or perhaps, with both at the same time 😋.
Early on in my residence in the town of Sonoma, I stepped out of the shower stall in the only gym in town, realizing that I was standing naked next to one of my clients. I had heard similar experiences from therapists who served on military bases, aircraft carriers or retreat centered,
These experiences and many similar others, led me to study the faulty beliefs about dual relationships, to publish articles, authors books, teach hundreds of workshops, consult with hundreds of therapists, testify in licensing board hearings and in civil lawsuits on the myth that all dual relationships are unethical and to expose the fact that dual or multiple relationships are unavoidable in certain settings, such as military, prisons, small and isolated communities and, in some situations, positively contribute to the therapeutic process.
Fears lead to fears
A path often trodden
By those afraid
Of being naked with the truth
Teaching Gig on A Cruise Ship to Alaska w/ the Family
In 2017, I embarked on my third teaching cruise, this time with my wife and two sons. Just as on my previous cruise to Alaska, my classes were occasionally interrupted when the students sitting by the window yelled, “Whales!”. Of course, the entire class, including myself, rushed to the window to see the spectacle of magnificent, broaching whales flailing the water with their great flukes right next to our ship! Our plan to experience dog-sledding did not materialize due to poor weather, but we were amply compensated when we took an unforgettable flight in a single-engine plane over the awe-inspiring Alaskan glaciers.
A family of whales
Cruising along my own
Parting the waters with tales
Of adventure
5 Forms of Guilt
The following are my thoughts on the different types of guilt and some of the ways in which I have experienced guilt. These are less obvious forms of guilt and go beyond lack of guilt (psychopathy) and excessive guilt (depression, anxiety, suicide, etc). As would be expected, by the age of 71, I have experienced most forms of guilt.
1. Appropriate Guilt: This type of guilt is an appropriate response to, or regret for, what we have come to understand, acknowledge or admit that we have done something wrong, unjust or immoral, or feel remorse for what we have not done. In my own life, I regret some of the ways I endangered others with the way I rode my motorcycle or shot the light bulb in the bunker, what I did or did not do in war, or was insensitive to friends’ needs.
2. Catholic Guilt – Religious Guilt: This kind of guilt is religion-induced that does not differentiate ones thoughts from their actions. Besides the Catholic church, other Christian denominations also believe people should confess to ‘sinful’ thoughts, yearnings or desires even when no actions were taken. Similarly, the ultra orthodox Jewish religion makes no distinction between ‘sinful thoughts’ and ‘sinful acts.’ I have experienced this kind of guilt as a young man when I felt guilty for internally reacting disproportionately with extreme anger.
3. Survival Guilt: This kind of guilt primarily manifests in people who have survived a life-threatening situation, such as battles during war or car accidents where others died or were severely injured. They often believe they could have done more to save the lives of others even if they could not. I have definitely felt this kind of guilt in relation to fellow soldiers who died or were heavily injured in military operations I was part of.
4. Neurotic – Toxic guilt – Persecutory guilt: This form of guilt is derived from a sense of not being a good–enough person, feeling like a failure who deserves to be punished. Persecutory guilt is a form of self-inflicted punishment
5. Existential guilt: This type of guilt can seem free-floating or unrelated to any particular situation. It is about one’s sense of accomplishment or success in addition to an awareness of the inequalities and injustices that exist in the world, such as a family member or community of people who are less capable or less fortunate than you are, or the fact that there may be people starving in Africa, or that the whales are dying off due to over hunting, pollution and other factors. When a person asks themselves “Am I doing enough to help others or help the world?” I have definitely experienced this kind of guilt combined with deep concerns for the underprivileged people worldwide, victims of unjust war, and disappearing species around the world.
The Coronavirus Pandemic exemplifies a variety of feelings of guilt that are the result of the fact that billions of people are unemployed, locked at home, or struggling with food needs, yet ‘you’ still have a job or can provide for your family. People may feel guilty because their children can’t see friends and grandparents or participate in normal activities. Perhaps someone they care for has been ill with COVID-19 or they feel guilty because a loved one has died all alone (‘coronavirus way’), and they couldn’t be there to say goodbye.
An emotion we perfected as human beings
Guilt
Is built
On so many lies
We tell ourselves
Not All Affairs Are Created Equal
Infidelity, unlike what most people assume, is neither rare, an exclusively man’s doing, nor the likely end of the marriage. Almost a third of all marriages may need to confront and deal with the aftermath of extramarital affairs. Women, men, gay, straight, young and old, all seem to be somehow engaged in affairs. Online affairs have become extremely prevalent. Marriages can get stronger when couples deal constructively with the affair. See: Infidelity & Affairs: Myths, Facts & Ways to Respond
Types of Affairs:
| 1. Conflict Avoidance | 8. Unsatisfactory Marriage |
| 2. Intimacy Avoidance | 9. Exit Affairs – Jumping off point |
| 3. Individual Existential/Developmental crisis | 10. Long Term Parallel Lives |
| 4. Sexual Addiction – Sexual Obsession | 11. Online (Most prevalent) |
| 5. Accidental – Brief – One Time Affairs | 12. Cyber Affair w/ a Sex-Robot |
| 6. Philandering | 13. Consensual |
| 7. Retribution |
Myths and Facts:
Myth: An affair inevitably destroys the marriage.
Fact: Many marriages survive affairs and many emerge stronger from the infidelity crisis.
Myth: Infidelity is rare in the animal kingdom.
Fact: Only 3% of the world’s 4,000 species of mammals are pre-programmed for monogamy.
Myth: Infidelity is rare and abnormal in our, and most other, societies.
Fact: Men’s infidelity has been recorded in most societies.
Myth: Society, as a whole, supports monogamy and fidelity.
Fact: Society gives lip service to monogamy/fidelity, but actually supports affairs. (i.e. Ashley Madison)
Myth: Men initiate almost all affairs.
Fact: Infidelity has become an equal opportunity issue in the West.
Myth: An affair always means there are serious problems in the marriage.
Fact: Research has shown that some of those who engage in affairs reported high marital satisfaction.
Myth: Infidelity is a sign that sex is missing at home.
Fact: Some unfaithful spouses have reported increased marital sex during the period of their affair.
Myth: Infidelity always has to do with a bad marriage or a withholding partner.
Fact: There are many reasons that people may choose to have an affair.
Myth: Full disclosure of all the details of the affair to the betrayed spouse is prerequisite to healing.
Fact: Giving the uninvolved partner all the X-rated details of the affair can be traumatizing.
Myth: Extramarital affairs are never consensual.
Fact: Open marriages used to be popular in the 1970s and are still around.
An affair to remember
An affair to forget
Between all the taboos
We met
For a moment of truth
Confirming Israel’s Moral Amnesia
On my 2019 return trip to Israel, observing its political-moral scene was a painful reminder of why I left the country 40 years prior. Back then, I knew I had to leave, as it was clear to me that staying in Israel and bearing witness to the immoral occupation would corrupt me as well. This was a consequence I refused to pay. As Dissonance Theory explains, when there is an inconsistency or discrepancy in people’s minds between attitudes and behaviors it is most likely that the attitude will change to accommodate the behavior. People tend to adjust their ideology to their behavior and not vice versa. Sadly enough, this is, indeed, what seems to take place in Israel today.
A tragic example is of an Israeli teenager girl who was brutally murdered in August 2019 by a homemade bomb that exploded at a natural spring. She was visiting this spring not far from her home in a settlement in the West Bank. Government officials declared it an act of terrorism. A local rabbi, declared her “a martyr,” calling on God “to avenge her death.” There was barely any mention of the greater context. The fact that the young woman was part of the occupation, living in a settlement built on military-conquered Palestinian land in the occupied territory of the West bank was barely uttered.
I decided to conduct an experiment, asking people first what they thought about “the girl who was recently murdered in the West Bank” and asking others (a second group in the ‘experiment’) for their thoughts about “the settler-girl who was recently murdered in the West Bank”. Almost unanimously, people in the second group objected to my referring to her as a settler, accusing me of “justifying her murder.” I definitely did not justify the murder; all I was doing was simply putting the murder in context. I think that sadly enough, most Israelis, even the ones that lean to the left, after 50 years of occupation (as predicted by the dissonance theory) have lost track of the context—the oppressive, inhuman, murderous immoral occupation of the West Bank.
In the context of lies
Truth pales
Immorality prevails
I wanted no part in that…
Zur Institute: A Dream Fully Realized
Dr. Zur is well known for having the vision to introduce ideas well head of their time: When almost no one spoke of HIPPA or Clinical Form he was already touring the country giving presentations about it. He was one of the pioneer leader the Private Practice Outside Managed Care movement in the 90’s. When almost no one contemplated the complexities of Dual Relationships or the Risk of Risk Management, he was already writing and publishing books and articles about it. When almost no one cared to invest in Telemental Health education he was already envisioning and focusing on creating courses and resources about it.
In 1997 Dr. Zur developed a vision that was also ahead of its time, the Zur Institute: The creation of a successful model of online education that would provide CE credits for Mental Health practitioners. When asked, “Who do you think you are? Do you think you are going to compete with UC Berkeley?” Dr. Zur, simply, responded, “What a great idea.” Indeed, Zur Institute, Inc. has since served dozens of thousands of individuals, becoming one of the most successful and biggest online CE programs in the world. After 25 years of passionately devoting himself to developing and upholding the highest educational standards for Zur Institute, in April 2020 Dr. Zur left his role as its Director/owner. He then devoted his energy and time to the non-profit he created: Project Insights.
There is never a crowd
On the leading edge
On the verge
Of new discoveries
Is where I like to run
On Critical Thinking: Exploring Politically and Professionally Incorrect Myths & Faulty Beliefs
Whether in psychology, oceanography, chemistry, limnology, or on ‘hot’ topics such as gender, race, victims or war, I have devoted a big part of my life to exploring the ‘given’, the unexamined truths, and often, the politically incorrect beliefs. The Following are some samples of the faulty beliefs I have challenged (and links to my writings on each topic):
- “Don’t Blame the victim” – Victims are 100% innocent
- Marital affairs are rare & signify that the marriage is ‘in trouble’
- The Myth of the “Warrior and the Beautiful Soul“: Unlike men, who are inherently warlike, women are innately peaceful
- Humans are inherently peaceful – Wars have no appeal
- Death is a failure and should be avoided at all cost
-
Oceanography is useless for fish farming and limnology is clear about the importance of mosquito larvae for fish ponds
- Blackouts are no good and to be avoided at all costs
- When in doubt, follow your instinct
- Myths & Faulty Beliefs in Psychotherapy & Counseling:
- Touch in psychotherapy is likely to lead to sex
- Therapists are always more powerful than their clients
- Once a client, always a client
- Dual or multiple relationships in psychotherapy are unethical
- You are one Borderline (BPD) away from losing your license
- The DSM (Diagnostic Statistical Manual) is scientifically based
- Risk management is at the heart of the standard of care
- Boundary crossings inevitably lead to boundary violations
The unexamined truths
Is a desert territory
Which I like to roam
With my heart
Therapists (& General Public) Beware: You Are One Borderline (BPD) away from losing your license
In my forensic/expert witness practice I have encountered the most fascinating, colorful and intriguing cases where BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) clients have gotten their (otherwise solid, competent and ethical) therapists to behave in ways they regularly wouldn’t such as giving them money, regularly texting with them at 1 or 2 in the morning, doing drugs with them, moving in with them, wearing their clothes, even adopting them, and, of course, having sex with them.
This dynamic is often present in the BDP’s personal, intimate, familial and vocational life and can also occur with psychotherapists or counselors.
Without a doubt, it is a therapist’s responsibility to maintain clinically appropriate boundaries with all clients. However, that is not always easy when it comes to BPD clients, especially for therapists who are either new to the profession or not experienced with these clientele. Clients with BPD are extremely unstable and are so desperate for connection that their fierce need can draw a therapist in. At the same time, many BPD clients have learned not to trust those very attachments they demand and crave. Thus, therapists can find themselves caught in their BPD clients’ conflicting desires. Therapists and others the borderline is in contact with will often accommodate, give in, support, yield to no-end in order to avoid the “borderline” rage.
Borders
Hold the promise and the risk
Of what’s beyond them
Tempting and threatening
They allure the best of us
Project Insights: Launching a New Community Platform to Share Personal Stories and Gain Life-Changing Insights
My new adventure as of mid 2020, Project Insights, is an online forum in which I invite you to reflect and share about an ‘Aha’ moment you have encountered along the way and to read about insightful experiences of others. By sharing, reading, and contemplating these meaningful moments in our lives, I hope to support the deepening of our personal and social reflective practices as well as to promote intercultural dialogue about the subtexts that impact our choices and help define our human experience. Engaging with this virtual community, I hope, will help you examine your life choices, cultural assumptions, belief systems and biases.
The first topic explored on Project Insights involves experiences with the Corona Virus: If the Coronavirus could speak to you… what would it say? What would You say to it? What gift could Coronavirus offer you / the world? There are 12 different themes that are dear to my heart around which I will invite you to share your stories. These themes include: Regretting not doing the right thing; Looking at death straight in the eye; On being sane in an insane place. I hope you will join me.
Turning our sights within
We begin
To explore new territories
Where the excitement of discovery
Lives
Sailing at the Sea of Cortez & Spending time at the Yucatan in the Midst of the Coronavirus Crisis
In Sept. 2021 Jennifer and I joined Eitan and his friend, Amanda, for a fantastic sailing week on a 46ft catamaran on the Sea of Cortez (Mexico). It was a wonderful break from a tormented and hostile divided world around the complex coronavirus related issues of life-death-health-fear-trust-responsibility and much more. Sailing, swimming, snorkeling and some hikes in the powerful-arid-rocky landscape cleared my heads and refreshed my spirit as I was looking for ways to find meaning and joy in a tormented world.
In December of 2021 we ‘needed’ to get out of town again and after a lovely Chanukah party we headed, this time, to the east side of Mexico, the Yucatan, with our 2 boys and Amanda. It was a lovely experience to hang out at the resort town Playa Del Carmen, and on the gorgeous island of Isla Mujeres and visit the amazing Chichen Itza Ruins during Christmas time. Unlike many parts of the world tormented by COVID-19, the Yucatan was friendly, vibrant, musical, colorful, hospitable and truly celebratory.
Parting the curtains
Of the shadow of death
We found music, colors, life
And take a breath
Once again…
My Professional Life in Post ZI Era: Teaching & Forensic
2020 and 2021 years were distinct as they were the beginning of a new ‘Post Zur Institute’ (ZI) era (sale went through in Ap./2020) and a divided world struggling to comprehend and attend to the coronavirus threat. Free of ZI, I turned my professional focus to teaching ethics and consulting & expert witness forensic work.
I quickly and gradually more joyously, adjusted to the new ‘coved-19 reality’ and have been intensely teaching remotely via zoom. Teaching from my study at home (with running shorts and flip flops) was odd and freeing at the same time. I recall the moment when I cracked a joke in a live zoom webinar but had NO idea if any of the 600+ attendees laughed or grimaced. My two main focuses of teaching ethics at these times have been a. Debunking myths and commonly held beliefs in psychotherapy and b. 20+ ways to avoid being sanctioned or disciplined by mental health licensing boards.
My consulting & expert witness work has also flourished in the post ZI era. I have asked to provide expert opinions on highly complex, interesting and intriguing psychotherapy licensing boards and civil lawsuits cases in several states across the US. A couple of ethicists and attorneys have referred to the cases they retained me as an expert as “Even Dr. Zur”😋 reflecting on the informed-importance I place on context in standard of care matters rather than on “risk-management.” In June 2021 I had the honor of receiving an authorization from the Minnesota Supreme Court to prepare an amicus brief regarding the standard of care for psychotherapy and counseling.
There is always a horizon
Beyond the one we see
I keep finding new vistas
When I dare to part the veil…
Professional Honors & Nominations
In 2021, I was highly honored for my expertise in psychotherapy ethics, when asked to submit an amicus brief (amicus curiae) to the Minnesota Supreme Court regarding psychotherapy and mental health standards. This is in addition to being nominated in 2008 as a Fellow of the American Psychological Association (APA) Div. 42 of Independent Practice, as well as the publication in 2007 of my book, Boundaries In Psychotherapy, one of the most comprehensive books on therapeutic boundaries published by, no other than, American Psychological Association, APA Books. I have authored and edited 5 books and hundreds of professional articles on a variety of psychological topics.
It is a true honor
to run in pursuit of truth
And a gift
To have my running recognized
Expert Witness & Ethics Consultant
Serving as an Expert Witness in administrative licensing board hearings and in civil lawsuit trials has been an exciting and invigorating experience for the last 30+ years, as I have been able to shed light on numerous misconceptions and errors in understanding the standard of care, the importance of context, and, of course, boundaries, such as dual relationships, physical (non-sexual) touch, gifts, home visits, sessions taken place outside the office, and bartering. The explosion of TeleMental Health in 2020 has also been the focus of many of my depositions. On a weekly basis, I provide phone or zoom consultations for therapists all over the US (and abroad) on standard of care, context and boundaries.
They asked:
‘How do you dare?’
when I broke convention
to practice care…
54th year (first) High School Reunion (2022)
A surprisingly unique event took place during this visit when David Eldar invited me to the 54th year reunion of our mathematic/
Not chasing my youth
I found some truth
In looking back
At my younger self
And the memories that made me
A surreal Experience Teaching on Zoom Across the World (2022)
I was schedule to teach ethics class on zoom for psychologists in California while in Israel. Many friends and colleagues stated the obvious to me: “What is so special about teaching from Israel, it’s the same Internet and same Zoom”. Yes, it is the “same” indeed, yet it felt surreal to me: sitting in front of a screen in the Middle East and teaching ethics to psychologists in the USA, half way around the world. A sure reflection of modern times.
The vastness of distance is real
It’s the global village
Which is surreal
To me
My 72 y.o. Birthday
We celebrated my seventy second birthday in May 2022 by gathering in our back yard and inviting people to share memories, stories, narratives, and anecdotes about me or to share a poem or song. About 25 people joined the hearty celebration, catered beautifully, by King Falafel and with celebratory, funny and, of course, embarrassing, stories and creatively funny original poems.
72 cycles around the sun
Taking in
Friendship, creative fun
From those who witness my life
As the unfoldment run
Teaching a Live, In-Person, Workshops Again – May/2022
After 2.5 years of corona virus hysteria and multiple remote teaching, primarily via zoom, the Lutheran Community Services Northwest, in Portland, OR invited me to teach live, in-person, seminar on TeleMental Health and Digital Ethics. It was an exciting hearty event where in-person exchanges, hugs, laughs, and even present exchange took place… again.
Back from the cold
Of isolation and global fear
Drawing near,
hugging
Being clear
About the profound merits of closeness
Challenging Encounter with Fear, Mastery and . . . PIRANHAS on the Amazon River
In 2022 at 72 years old, I have decided to confront fear, challenge, and adventure by going to Brazil and spend time in gorgeous, adventurous Rio de Janeiro, on the magnificent enormous Amazon River and encounter unique personal challenge with the legendary dangerous awesome Piranhas.
I travelled in this 3 weeks adventure with my beloved nephew, Tal (52) and a young friend Jenn Gaskell (32) a Scottish doctorate-mathematician, and ultra marathon runner.
One more frontier
To travel to
To face fear
To experience pain
As gateway to eternity
A short video of our delightful time in Rio, Santarem and the gorgeous Amazon
Rio
The city that never sleeps
Majestic, draped in a rainbow of colors
The heartbeat of life
The soul of Brazil
A short video and 6 slides of my amazing encounter with the awesome piranhas and the rational for this rather ‘crazy adventure’
Piranha’s song for my 73rd birthday
Piranha
Our first encounter
Your sharp famous teeth
a reminder of your legendary power
My eagerness to engage
Therapeutic Ethics in the Movies
In 2022, I rekindled my passion for presenting ethical issues with the aid of clips from popular movies and TV series. It turned out to be very effective, popular, educational, and, yes, a truly fun way to discuss complex therapeutic ethical, standard of care and boundary considerations. I developed a continuously growing web site that presents 17 ethical aspects Psychotherapy & Psychotherapeutic Ethics in Popular Movies & TV series where people (you) can (still) contribute their movies ideas and suggestions.
At the same time, I have also developed keynote presentations and courses on Therapeutic Ethics in the Movies that I presented in person, online, in the US and . . . in Israel. They all include dozens of short movies’ and TV series’ vignettes offering looks at a variety of ethical complexities in psychotherapy and counseling.
Those characters on the screen
Love, recoil, lose, win,
Grapple with a whirlwind
Of emotions,
Just like us…
Growing Old, Facing Death, Walking on the Ice…
Towards the end of 2022 at 72 years old, I developed several undiagnosed mystery medical complexities, such as walking pneumonia and an enlarged heart. That have slowed me down physically and emotionally, luckily, not spiritually or intellectually. It brought up, again, the question of when is the right time to walk on the ice or the time for the (polar) bears to eat me (so the young ones can hunt, eat the bear, survive & live longer).
Having the warm-loving-immense support of Jenji, my kids and my nephew, Tal, has meant the world to me. Additionally, being part of community, such as weekly ‘Walks & Talks’ with my best friends, teaching ethics, and developing my interactive, hopefully, helpful website, have also provided me with a meaningful life and reasons to live . . . for now. . .
I call the bear
From afar
I stare
Into its eye
I dare
To live
A little longer…
Riding in the Negev Desert and Visiting Petra Jordan
Family Bonds across Borders: the Negev Desert, Israel & Petra, Jordan, 2023
Dangerously steep rocky cliffs brought us together: my 2 sons, my 3 nephews, and I, rode our motorcycles off-road in the Israeli Negev Desert, to find much more than a wild, majestic landscape. It was amazing to experience the 6 of us getting along seamlessly, helping each other master the raggedy difficult terrain challenges, and share both joys and responsibilities required by riding an inhospitable, dangerous, rough surface.
This fulfilled a long lasting dream I held together with so many of my generation growing up in Israel. Finally, at age 72, I explored the vast miraculous Wadi Ram and magical Petra. The reality of these monumental sites was far more fascinating than my visions were. It was mind boggling to stand among these striking structures, formed by nature over 200,000 years ago, to meander through such magnificent temples, hand-carved in the 4th century BC, and to share it all with the next generation of men in my blood line. Petra was a big part of ‘hero mythology’ and such a dream for us as a youth in Israel, symbolized by the (historically banned) HaSela Ha’Adom song by Rika Zarai (another version by Arik Lavi) Lyric: English – Hebrew.
A majestic landscape of sand
Red temples carved in the land
A myth that was banned
And us 6
Bonded
Between Religion and Ethics: Presenting in Israel 2023
An interesting and unusual audience combination of Israeli psychologists, some of whom also lead a traditionally religious Jewish life, presented me with a challenge I was happy to tackle on in my visit to Israel in 2023. My presentation Therapeutic Ethics in The Movies had to be reinvented in order to be sensitive to audience members who could be offended by nudity, language, and sexual references, to name but a few. I didn’t know what to expect from the English-speaking, largely traditional Jewish psychologist audience in Ra’ananah, Israel. The challenge doubled as I was not willing to dull my presentation in order to appease an audience. The result was the best of both worlds: my points were able to come across and be absorbed poignantly, while I did manage to evoke some strong reactions from the audience, which I always considered to be a bonus!
A second presentation during the 2023 visit was on Myths We Live By in my sister’s kibbutz Nachson. It was exciting and surprising presentation in… Hebrew on challenging topics such as victimization and abuse to an audience that experience both. It was interesting, respectful and intense presentation as the audience include holocaust survivors and victimized women.
The landscape, the people,
So familiar, yet so ‘other’
In the land of my mother, my father
Where I bring my views
From across the ocean
To meet on the even ground
Of the heart
Hi: I am not sure when my goodbye party will take place, 1 month, 1 year, 10 years or… Here is my ready to go invitation. Your feedback or thoughts on the invitation is welcomed.
July/2023
OZ
An Eskimoe’s tale describes that when the elderly can no longer contribute to the village they are put out on the ice so the polar bears eat them and the young villagers hunt the bear and survive. In our modern world, where 50% of the medical costs accrue in the last couple of years of elderly life, the elderly eat the bear.
Trees Die Erect
When I walk on the ice
I enter a wilderness of the heart
I'm throwing the dice
On my own behalf
Embracing Spirit
Honoring the Transition – Come and Join Me in a Goodbye Celebration
You are invited to join me in celebrating my transition. I’d rather not have any crying or bemoaning what a perfect saint I am. Instead, we’ll sing songs, read poetry, play music, dance, speak from the heart, and much more…
I love my life, how I have lived, the choices I’ve made, even my conscious choice of words I used and phrases I refused to use—admittedly with very little regard to what many of you thought, felt or considered inappropriate, impolite, uncivil, or worse…!
For the most part I have lived my life as if every day is or may be my last day on earth. I’ve had numerous encounters with death throughout my life, most by choice and others by circumstance. I never considered death a failure. My mother had a hand in teaching me that. A phrase she repeatedly told us was, “Trees die erect.” It summed up how she lived so perfectly that we had it etched on her gravestone.
I have a deep appreciation for your tolerance of me, even when you thought me offensive, insensitive, controlling, inconsiderate, full of myself or simply dumb. None of you slapped me when I stupidly declared, more than once, “Even when I am wrong, I am right.”
When I upset you, as I’m sure I often did, in my mind it was about ‘doing good’ or having, what Ilan repeatedly called ‘a teaching moment.’ Admittedly, even this gathering is a ‘teaching moment.’
So let’s celebrate, rejoice, and have fun –
Ofer
You are invited to, privately, share your reaction/s to this ‘Invitation’ here.
An Israeli Palestinian Solution is possible. 2023-2024
By an Israeli lieutenant & paratrooper who served in Gaza & left Israel for moral reasons
Competing historical ‘claims’ of who was first, Moses or Allah or who owns what, Muslims or Jews or who is ‘holier” should NOT be part of the current ‘cease fire’ negotiation. Israel gets its 1948 territory and the Palestinians get the entire West Bank (settlers are out) and Gaza (Hamas and all).
The biggest challenge and the real question for what is happening in the Middle East, Gaza and Israel these days, Oct. 2023 is to acknowledge the deep hatred on both sides and how to live next to each other, reluctantly accepting co-existence with each other. Anti-Semitism incidents and propaganda have soared to a record high in 2023/2024.
I am Ofer Zur, a psychologist, an enmity and war expert, and a former lieutenant and paratrooper in the Israeli army who was wounded in the 1973 war. I was born in Israel in 1950, and during my military service, was stationed in a refugee camp in Gaza back in 1970. This experience led me to the conviction that I had to leave Israel, which I did. (See: I Was Her, Out-Of-Body Experience, On Leaving Israel).
I am watching with horror and deep sadness what is happening in Israel and Gaza since Oct. 7, 2023. Israel bombing Gaza and killing thousands of civilians (post 10/7/2023) does NOT eradicate Hamas, it gives it much MORE strength and popularity.
Knowing the region and the complexities of its people, I am proposing a solution for the situation. The main challenge for Israelis and Palestinians is, how to live or have a ceasefire with an enemy who wants to destroy you.
Here are my views and a long-term peace proposal for the region:
- Israel does NOT have a vote about whether, or not the Palestinians, including Hamas want to destroy it. The biggest challenge for Israelies would be how to live next to a hostile country bent on their destruction.
- Israelis should and must give the Palestinians their own state. No more occupation!!!!! No more hateful settlers!!! Unarmed-peaceful-respectful settlers can stay in the West Bank ONLY if they surrender and accept the Palestinian rule and full control of the West Bank, i.e. Palestine.
- A Palestinian state will include the West Bank and Gaza. They will be connected via tunnel, bridge or train – by appropriate means, satisfactory to both sides. The main reason for this is simply self-preservation for Israel. “Occupation destroys the occupier.” Gaza will have its own sea-port and both, West Bank and Gaza will have their own international airports. Some optimistically, but not very realistically, suggest, that in exchange to giving the Palestinians their own state, they will de-militarized both Gaza and West Bank.
- Israel with its superb military capacities CAN protect itself if it chooses to, (not make it ridiculously easy, as it did on Oct. 7, 2023).
- The hope is that in 2-3 generations (Yes, 2-3 generations, not 2-3 weeks or 2-3 months or even years), the situation will de-escalate, Israel will be forgiven, and incentive on both sides, for cooperation will have developed.
- Not much different that the Protestant and Cathelic in Ireland 1968 to 1998 30 years conflict. And hopefully similarly to how one of the worst conflict in human history between the Hutu and the Tutsi in Rwanda where nearly one million, primarily Tutsi were killed was peacefully resolved. If Israel fully give the West Bank to the Palestinians it is likely to be a similar to the current situation between India and Pakistan that arose out of the 1947 partition of British India, which established a Muslim-majority Pakistan and a Hindu-majority India. They currently co-exist with tension and highly militarized border. Although both countries have maintained a fragile cease-fire since 2003, they regularly exchange fire across the contested border. Both sides accuse the other of violating the cease-fire and claim to be shooting in response to attacks. Fences make good neighbors! Israel may end up with friendly relationship with Palestine they way Israel has very friendly relationships with Jordan and Israel or may be more similar to the India and Pakistan tense but rather stable relationships. Either way is much better and more fair and more just of the current 1967-2023 situation.
The big-picture view and perspective:
Getting the 500,000+ religious settlers out of the West Bank is not easy but definitely doable because: They have no economic base – $ comes from outside. They have light weapons but are not highly trained in using them. They cannot really fend for themselves. They rely on the Israeli army to keep the highly guarded exclusive roads to Israel open. So it is doable to force them out from the West Bank (AKA, Palestine).
In the same way that Israel lives with its enemy relationships in the north, Lebanon and Syria, so will it learn to live with a hostile Palestine.
They bomb Israel, Israel bombs back. Then, in a couple of generations there will be peace, similar to Israel’s current peaceful relationships with Jordan, Egypt and… growing peace with Qatar and Saudi Arabia.
I am hopeful…
I have seen the pain
I have sustained the wounds
I left to refrain
From an immoral existence
I see the dove with an olive branch
Flying in the distance
I am hopeful